12 Rules For Life
BY: Jordan B. Peterson
Foreword
without rules sometimes we become slaves to our passion
the best rules do not ultimately restrict us but instead facilitate our goals and make for fuller, freer lives
all cultures create stories to help us map the chaos of the world as we’d are born
don’t always have to agree on the ‘answers’ but agree on the questions
we are born human that we are guaranteed a good dose of suffering
worst character flaw a person can have is to be ‘judgemental’
virtue is not the same as morals, virtues defined simply as the ways of behaving that are most conductive to happiness, morals is the right and wrong good and evil
making judgements on how to live is impossible because there is no real good and no true virtue as these are too relative
different people have different ideas about how practically, to live — deepen their understanding of humanity and led to some of the most satisfying conversations human being have ever had
foremost rule is that you must take responsibility for your own life
Overture
what are some valuable things everyone should know? was the question that helped Jordan create these rules
order and chaos are the Yin and the Yang, the little black and white dot indicate the possibility of transformation, when things seem secure, the unknown can loom —Conversely, just when everything seems lost, new order can emerge from catastrophe and chaos
a line between order and chaos — that’s where we can find meaning and suffering
Rule 1: Stand Up Straight With Your Shoulders Back
The Principle of Unequal Distribution
when a lobster is defeated it is more likely to lose again — just as human society works where the top 1% have as much money as the bottom 50%
this applies not only to money but basically everything — “to those who have everything, more will be given; from those who have nothing, everything will be taken
The Nature of Nature
when something evolves, it must build upon what nature has already produced — new features may be added and old features may undergo some altercation, but most remain the same
“it’s not what we don’t know that gets us in trouble, it’s what we know for sure that just ain’t so”
nature is not a static selector — no one standing still can triumph
humans similar to the lobsters; as low serotonin leads to lower confidence — feeling of lower human hierarchy
Top and Bottom
there’s a primordial calculator in our brains that position us in society — one to ten scale, one being the most favourable and ten is the lowest
we have a response that constant alertness — stress, it depends on how you are able to manage the brakes and gas as you can’t be flooring it on either one
Malfunction
sometimes the counter mechanism can go wrong, that’s why routine is important — habits turned into stable and reliable so they lose their complexity and gain predictability and simplicity
sleep and food as a routine can have a strong effect on someone’s mental health — want a positive feedback loop with routines of sleep and food (ex. Waking up sometime everyday, eating breakfast everyday)
Rising Up
sometimes people are bullied because they can’t fight back — can happen to people who are weaker, physically, than their opponents
we see this in children mainly but as in adulthood it’s more of the fact that they are bullied because they won’t fight back
people usually guide their perceptions and actions with a few simple axioms — people are basically good; no on really wants to hurt anyone else
there is very little difference between the capacity for mayhem and destruction, integrated and strength of character
circumstances change — and so can you
emotion is partly bodily expression, and can be amplified or dampened by that expression
ex. If posture is poor then May feel small and defeated — May get treated like that.
but if you stand up straight then nervous system responds in a different manner — respond rather than bracing for catastrophe
to stand up straight with your shoulders back means to accept responsibility in life and be open — transform chaos to order in your life
withstand uncertainty and establishing, in consequence, a better, more meaningful and more productive order
dare to be dangerous — good things will start to feel better when they happen
Rule 2: Treat Yourself Like Someone You Are Responsible For Helping
Why Won’t You Just Take Your Damn Pills
we are trained to assume that the failure of patients to follow professional advice is the fault of the practitioner, not the patient
we believe that health care providers have the responsibility to give advice that will be followed and offer interventions that will be respected
for example we may not take our medications from a doctor but we’ll take care of our pets more making sure they take every medicine the vet prescribed
people prefer their pets to themselves
The Domain, Not of Matter, but of What Matters
there is chaos and order and there is the process that mediates the two, usually people call this consciousness
chaos is unexplored territory and domain of ignorance — it’s where we don’t know where we are and what we are doing; when we don’t know we are doing
order is explored territory and structure of society — its tribe, religion, hearth, home, country
where everything is certain, we’re in order
we live in time though as well as space and that is constantly changing
Chaos and Order: Personality, Female and Male
chaos and order are two most fundamental elements of lived experience — perceived, experienced and understood as personalities
nature — reality itself, the environment itself is what selects according to Darwin but our brains are deeply social
as our brains develop we increase the capacity and have curiosity about the nature of the world — want to conceptualize the outside world
outside meaning outside of what we currently understand and understanding is dealing with and coping with and not merely representing objectively
to straddle the fundamental duality of chaos and order — one foot planted in order and security and the other in chaos, possibly and growth and adventure
when life suddenly revels itself as intense, gripping, and meaningful; when time passes and you’re so engrossed in what you’re doing you don’t notice — it is there and then that you are located precisely on the border between order and chaos
The Garden of Eden
it is far better to render beings in your care competent than to protect them
if it was possible to banish everything threatening, everything dangerous (therefore everything interesting and challenging) that would mean another danger would emerge
we need challenge and danger to ever reach full potential
questions to parents: do you want to make your children safe or strong?
A Spark of the Divine
difference between standing up and speaking for yourself, when you are being bullied or tormented vs standing up and speaking for someone else
embrace and love the sinner who is yourself, as much as forgiving and aiding someone else who is stumbling and imperfect
you do not simply belong to yourself, you are not simply your own possession — ex. Mistreatment of yourself like suicide affects others around you
credit yourself and those around for acting productivity with care and genuine concern they manifest to others
we deserve some respect and you are important to other people as much as yourself — you have some vital role to play in the unfolding destiny of the world
happy is by no means synonymous with good
consider the future and think, ‘what might my life look like if I were caring for myself properly’ ‘What career would challenge me and render me productive and helpful, so that I could shoulder my share of the load and enjoy the consequences’
the power of vision and direction — transform what might appear to be unconquerable obstacles into transversals pathways and expanding opportunities
“he whose life has a why can bear almost any how”
Rule 3: Make Friends With People Who Want The Best For You
The Old Hometown
Jordan grew up in Fairview, Alberta and there wasn’t much to do except hang out with friends — friends mattered the most
very small town but money wasn’t really the issue when it came to college — some families just didn’t think about it
Some different Friends — and Some More I’d the Same
he moved out for college and made new friends and the chaos was new possibilities
some people don’t believe that they deserve any better — so they don’t go looking for it
faulty tools produce faulty results, repeated use of the same faulty tools produces the same faulty results — those who fail to learn from their past are doom themselves to repeat it
Rescuing the Damned
Carl Rogers believed that it was impossible to start therapeutic relationship if the person seeking help did not want to improve — impossible to convince someone to change for the better
A Reciprocal Arrangement
if you have a friend whose friendship you wouldn’t recommend to your sister, father, son etc why would you have such a friend yourself — loyalty? No friendship must be negotiate and honest
choose people who want things better not worse
if you surround yourself with people who support your upward aim, they will not tolerate your cynicism and destructiveness
Rule 4: Compare Yourself To Who You Were Yesterday, Not To Who Someone Else Is Today
The Internal Critic
it was easier before to be good at something when we lived in a small rural community — now no matter how good you are at something, or how you rank your accomplishments, there is someone out there who makes you look incompetent
inside us dwells a critical internal voice — failure is the price we pay for standards
Many Good Games
if there was no better or worse, nothing would be worth doing — no value and no meaning
not just one game to fail or succeed — many ways of being
some may think that they need to win at everything, but that might only meaning that you’re not doing anything new or difficult — might be winning but not growing (growing might the most important form of winning)
the games you are playing are so unique to you that comparing yourself to others is simply inappropriate
who are you? Neither your own master, nor your own slave
before you can articulate your own standards of value, you must see yourself as a stranger and then get to know yourself
determining the nature of your moral obligation, to yourself — ‘should’ might enter in but ‘should’ is your responsibility
dare to be dangerous and truthful, dare yourself to articulate and express what would really justify your life
you decide how much of you time you spend on this or that — you decide what to let go and what to pursue
The Point of Our Eyes (or, Take Stock)
our eyes always pointing at things we are interested in — we are always aiming, minds are built on hunting and gathering
we succeed when we hit our target and fail when we don’t — we cannot navigate, without something to aim at and while we are in this world we must navigate
we imagine new ways that things can be better even if it’s in a state of sufficient — we are curious
we can see things that aren’t there as we envision new ways — we can construct new
could be good and bad as it can change the world, but also could be disappointed
first step maybe ask who are you?
where you might start might not be as important as the direction you are heading
perhaps happiness is always to be found in the journey uphill, and not in the fleeting sense of satisfaction awaiting at the next peak
what you aim at determines what you see
What You Want and What You See
dependency of sight on aim is what you value — vision is psychophysiologically and neurologically expensive
experiment of counting the number of passes from white shirt to black shirt and gorilla walks in the background, many research participants didn’t see the gorilla
this is the same with our own world — you’re blind to everything else but it has to be that way because there’s much more of the world than there is you so you choose that to see
so if things aren’t going your way — life doesn’t have the problem, you do
perhaps what you want is blinding you to fear what else could be — perhaps you are holding on to your desires in the present, so tightly that you cannot see anything else, even what you truly need
be conscious of our desires and articulate them, prioritize them and arrange them into hierarchies
Pay Attention
notice something that bothers you, ask yourself: ‘what is bothering me?’ ‘Is that something I could fix?’ ‘Would I actually be willing to fix?’ — if no then look elsewhere
‘what could I do, that I would do, to make life a little better’
if you knock as if you want to enter, you may be offered the chance to improve your life
Rule 5: Do Not Let Your Children Do Something That Makes You Dislike Them
Parent or Friend
modern parents are paralyzed by the fear that they will no longer be liked or even loved by their children — want their friendship above respect
it is an act of responsibility to discipline a child — it is not anger at misbehaviour
violence is no mystery, it’s peace that’s the mystery — violence is the default
peace is learned and earned
‘why do people take drugs?’ Not a mystery — its ‘why they don’t take them all the time’ that’s the mystery
‘why do people suffer from anxiety?’ Not a mystery — ‘how is that people can ever be be calm’ that’s the mystery
we’re breakable and mortal
Discipline and Punish
modern parents are terrified of two frequently juxtaposed words: discipline and punish
both are necessary — no escaping their use
negative emotions help us learn — we feel more negative about a loss of a given size than we feel good about the same size gain
pain more potent than pleasure and anxiety more than hope
parents must reward those attitudes and actions that will bring their child success in the world outside the family, and use threat and punishment when necessary to eliminate behaviours that will lead to misery and failure; there’s a tight window for this — child needs to be taught how to behave properly by the age four as peers are the primary source of socialization after four
Minimum Necessary Force
rules should not be multiplied beyond necessity — bad laws drives out respect for good laws
limit the rules then figure out what to do when one of them gets broken
limit the rules and use the least force necessary to enforce those rules
must attempt to discipline your child effectively— time out can be effective form of punishment, child able to control
A Summary of Principles
parents should understand their own capacity to be harsh, vengeful, arrogant, resentful, angry and deceitful
very few people set out to be bad parents or people but it happens all the time — this is because people have great capacity to be evil
The Good Child — and the Responsible Parent
a properly socialized 3 year old is polite and engaging, receives interests from other children and are happy to see her — instead of hiding behind false smiles
this will be better than any parental attempt to avoid day to day conflict and discipline
discuss with your children about likes and dislikes — take responsibility for their discipline
Rule 6: Set Your House In Perfect Order Before You Criticizes The World
Vengence or Transformation
people who experience evil May certainly desire to perpetuate it, to pay it forward. But it is also possible to learn good by experiencing evil
Clean Up Your Life
consider your circumstances, start small, have you taken full advantage of the opportunities offered to you
are there things that you could do, that you know you could do that would make things better
start to stop doing what you know to be wrong
life is short and don’t have time to figure everything out on you own
don’t reorganize the state until you ordered your own experience
Rule 7: Pursue What is Meaningful (Not What is Expedient)
The Delay of Gratification
when engaging for sacrifice — something better might be attained in the future by giving up something of value in the present
the future is composed of other human beings — the future is a judgemental father
what must be sacrificed? Can be small or large — but are needed to improve the future
a child who can’t share — who can’t trade — can’t have any friends because having friends is a form of trade
asking someone for something that is not too extreme was the most useful and immediate invitation to social interaction
must practice sacrifice and sharing until you become an expert at it
the difference between the successful and unsuccessful is sacrifice
sometimes things do not go well — it’s not the world that’s the cause, the cause is more your values subjectively and personally
if the world you are seeing is not the world you want it’s time to examine your values
Death, Toil and Evil
the tragedy of self conscious being produces suffering — that suffering in turn motivates the desire for selfish immediate gratification
sacrifice and service are far more effective than short term pleasures
once you become vulnerable you understand the nature of human vulnerability and understand what’s it’s like to be fearful, angry, and resentful — undsertend what pain means
Meaning as the Higher Good
maybe it’s not the world that’s at fault, maybe it’s you, you’ve failed to make the mark
meaning emerges when impulse are regulated, organized and unified
from possibilities of the world and the value structure operating within the world
‘make the world better’ — you may experience deeper meaning
meaning signifies that you are in the right place at the right time and everything lines up as best it can at the moment
do what is meaningful not what is expedient
Rule 8: Tell The Truth — Or, At Least, Don’t Lie
My Landlord
taking the easy way out or telling the truth — those are not merely two different choices. They are different pathways through life — they are different ways of living
Manipluate the World
you can use words to manipulate the world into delivering what you want
‘appear competent’ ‘to be promoted’ ‘to ensure everyone likes me’ — these are life lies
‘see myself retired sitting on a tropical beach drinking margaritas in the sunshine — that’s not sustainable and not a goal, that’s a vacation poster
consider a person who insists that everything is right in her/his life — avoids conflict and smiles, does what they are asked and does not question authority. Suffering as he/she is unfulfilled
if you will not reveal yourself to others, you cannot reveal yourself to yourself
it means that so much of what you could be will never be forced by necessity to come forward
when you explore boldly, when you voluntarily confront the unknown, you gather information and build your renewed self out of that information
lies warp the structure of being, untruth corrupts the soul and the state alike
what saves is the willingness to learn from what you don’t know
The Truth, Instead
an aim, an ambition, provides the structure necessary for action — provides a destination and a point of contrast against the present
it defines progress and makes the progress exciting
you are by no means only what you already know — you are also all that which you could know if you only would
never sacrifice what you could be for what you are
opening our eyes and modifying what we have where necessary
things fall apart — when the lie gets big it spoils your world as you act it out
see the truth and tell the truth — your truth is something only you can tell
Rule 9: Assume That The Person You Are Listening To Might Know Something You Don’t
Not Advice
advice is what you get when the person you are talking to wants to revel in the superiority of his/her own intelligence
psychotherapy is genuine conversation, that’s exploration, articulation and strategizing — listening is paying attention
the present can change the past, and the future can change the present
memory is a tool, it’s the past’s guide to the future
Figure It Out For Yourself
sometimes you have to change the way you understand everything to properly understand a single something
people think they think, but it’s not true. It’s mostly self-criticism that passes for thinking
true thinking is rare — just like true listening
thinking is listening to yourself
How Should You Listen
great majority of us cannot listen, we want to instead evaluate
something to try: each person can speak up for him/her self only after he/she has first restated the ideas and feelings of the previous speaker
talking and thinking is often more about forgetting then about remembering — it’s can take long to figure out what someone genuinely mean when they are talking because often they are articulating their ideas for the first time
Primate Dominace—Hierarchy Manoeuvres—and Wilt
not all talking is thinking. Nor does all listening foster transformation
there is no such thing as ‘a talk’, unless it’s canned, and it shouldn’t be. There is no audience, just individuals who need to be part of the conversation
truth and humour fits well together in conversations
do not be boring or too serious in conversations
Conversation on the Way
mutual exploration is genuine interest to learning
it requires people to have decided that the unknown makes a better friend than the known
you already know what you know, after all — and unless your life is perfect, what you know is not enough
true listening and speaking those are the conversations where souls connect and that’s a real place — the continual search for knowledge
Rule 10: Be Precise in Your Speech
Why is My Laptop Obsolete
when we look at our laptops we see value and expensive, but give 5 years it will most likely be replace and now become junk even though it works well
this is on our perception — but almost everything we see and hold is like that, although often not so evidently
Tools, Obstacles and Extension into the World
we assume we see objects or things when we look at the world — our evolved perceptual systems transform the interconnected, complex multi-level world that we inhabit not so much into things but into useful things
we don’t see valueless entities and then attribute meaning to them — we perceive the meaning directly
we see tools and obstacles, not really objects or things
must be precise with our aims
Wheat from Chaff
what is wrong exactly? What do I want, exactly?
determine where you have have been in your life, so that you can know where you are now
if you don’t know where you are then you can be anywhere — anywhere is too many places
you cannot get where your going unless you move in that direction — random wandering will not move you forward
say what you mean so that you can find out what you mean — act out what you say so you can find out what happens
Rule 11: Do Not Bother Children When They Are Skateboarding
Danger And Mastery
skateboarding is dangerous yes but the kids wanted triumph over danger — they were trying to be competent and that’s makes people as safe as they can truly be
dangerous enough to find it challenging — we as humans are hard wired to enjoy risk some more than others
Compassion as a Vice
it’s a good idea to tell the person you are confronting exactly that you would like them to go instead of what they have done or currently doing
too much protection devastates the developing soul
Rule 12: Pet a Cat When You Encounter One On The Streets
Dogs Are Ok Too
people are social and people are antisocial — they like the members of their own people but they don’t like members of other groups
cooperation vs competition
being requires becoming — to become something more or at least something different, that is only possible for something limited — being requires limitations
CODA — What Shall I Do With My Newfound Pen of Light?
ask, and it shall be given to you
seek and ye shall find — knock and it shall be open unto you
for everyone who asks receives, the one who seeks finds and to the one who knocks the door will be opened
want to be right or at peace — to be open
what have I done wrong and what can I do now to set things at least a little bit more right?
heart just be open to the terrible truth — learn about your faults
when you decide to learn about your faults, so that they can be rectified, you open a line of communication with the source of all revelatory thought
what shall I do with my life? Sim for paradise and concentrate on today
attend fully for the future in that manner, while attending fully to the present
proper being is process, not a state; a journey, not a destination — continual transformation of what you know, through the encounter with what you don’t know
you may be blocked in your progress not because you lack opportunity, but because you have been too arrogant to make full use of what already lies in front of you
to give is to do what you can to make things better
strengthen and encourage those who are committed to your care instead of protecting them to the point of weakness