Think Like A Monk
Jay Shetty
Introduction
need to find calm, stillness and peace
breath will always be with you, focus on the root not the tree or leaves — let go, growth, give
Part One: Let Go
Chapter 1: Identity
our identity is wrapped up in what others think of us, what we think others think of us
when you try to live your most authentic life, some of your relationships will be put in jeopardy. Losing them is a risk worth bearing, finding a way to keep them in your life is a challenge worth taking
identity is like a mirror covered in dust, first look for the truth of who you are and value is obscured, clearing it is not pleasant but when dust is gone you can see your true reflection
space, stillness and silence- how to create?
1. Daily reflection — what emotions?
2. Going to someplace new
3. Get involved into something meaningful
it’s about your mindset, 15mins of social media vs 15mins of mediation — me time vs no time
letting go is a big part of the rhythm of nature as is rebirth — direct route to stillness
what is the value behind this decision?
filter opinions, expectations, obligations—what qualities do I look for in fam, friends or colleagues
Chapter 2: Negativity
cancers of the mind: comparing, complaining, criticizing
when we look for good in others, we start to see the best in ourselves too
3 core emotional needs: peace, love, understanding
we want to agree with others, humans value social conformity = groupthink bias
negativity can increase aggression and have negative attitude
types of negative people: complainers, cancellers, casualties, critics, commanders, competitors, controllers
strategies to dealing with negative people:
1. Objective observer and detach to the moment as when someone hurts you, it’s because they’re hurting
2. Back away slowly and letting go gives us freedom, let go physically to let go emotionally
3. 25/75 principle, every negative person have 3 uplifting people
4. Allocate time
5. Don’t be a savior, it’s hard to help everyone and if you not trained they’ll bring you down
the more we define ourselves in relation to the people around us, the more lost we are
freedom is letting go of things not wanted
“if you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito”
SPOT the issue or feeling, STOP to understand what it is, SWAP ina new way of processing
try not to complain, compare, criticizes — as we become more aware, the more we might be able to free ourselves from them
mudita is principle of taking sympathetic or unselfish joy in good fortune of others
if you find joy only in my own success that’s limiting my joy, need to take pleasure of others
revenge is a mode of ignorance, you can’t fix yourself by breaking someone else
types of forgiveness: revenge — zero — conditional — Transform — Unconditional
zero = I am not going to forgive that person no matter what, I don’t want to hurt them but I’m never going to forgive them anger)
conditional = if they apologize then I’ll apologize, only then I’ll forgive them — mode of impulse (transactional)
transformational = I forgive you and expect nothing back, find strength and calmness to forgive (goodness)
unconditional = I forgive you no matter what you did, usually seen with parents and their children (saintly)
less time we fixate in everyone else the more time you have to focus on ourselves
Chapter 3: Fear
“fear does not prevent death, it prevents life”
we have so much to offer the world, but fear and anxiety disconnects us from our abilities
real problem is that we fear the wrong things, we should fear is the missed opportunities that fear offers
need to learn what fear can teach us
the stresses and challenges of change is what we fear but is what makes us stronger
the confidence that when bad things happen, you will find ways to handle them
know our reaction pattern to fear: we freeze, panic, run away, bury it
accept your fear, I see you and I am here for you
when we recognize our fear patterns it helps us trace fear to the root
when we hold onto temporary things tightly it gives it power over us
it is not possible to control all external events, but if I simply control my mind, what need is there to control other things
we are all the lucky vacationers enjoying our stay in hotel earth = detachment
we can’t truly own or control anything, we can fully appreciate these things and become enhancements to life
don’t get lost in ‘what if’ but instead focused on ‘what is’ — don’t judge the moment
what happens during challenging times was actually clearing the way to what you’re celebrating
burying our fears will take unseen toll, what you run from will only stay with you longer
Chapter 4: Intention
be curious about the process not the outcome
4 fundamental motivations:
1. Fear: driven through fear of death or hell
2. Desire: seeking personal gratification
3. Duty: gratitude, responsibility, right thing
4. Love: care for others and urge to helpfear is not sustainable — when we are motivated by fear, you pick what you want to achieve (a promotion, a relationship, buying a house) but we can’t work to the best of our abilities — we are too worried about getting the wrong result
success = happiness — is an illusion, we’ll always be waiting: when we let achievements and acquisitions determine our course, we live in an illusion that happiness comes from external measures of successes
happiness and fulfillment come only from mastering the mind and connecting with the soul not objects or materials
success doesn’t guarantee happiness, and happiness doesn’t require success
happiness is feeling good about yourself, having close relationships, making the world a better place
feel meaning, value that we see in our actions will lead to a sense of meaning
character; good conduct, spiritual wisdom is wealth
we take on more when we’re doing it for someone or serve a purpose
can be hard to sustain high level of joy, but to feel meaning shows that our actions have purpose
to live intentionally, we must dig to the deepest why behind the want
people won’t be fulfilled when he find fortune and that if he continues his search for meaning, answer will always be found in service
external goals cannot fill internal void
everything you do is your spiritual life, it is how consciously you do these ordinary things
when asked who we are, we resort to stating what we do! Life is more meaningful when we define ourselves by our intentions rather than our achievements
the intensions to help people and to serve mean you value service
satisfactions comes from believing in the value of what you do — focus on the process not the outcome
Meditation: Breathe
give space to reflect and evaluate
in getting you where you want to be, meditation may show you what you don’t want to see
many run away from meditation because it is difficult — the point of meditation is is to examine what makes it challenging, space to reflect and evaluate
Part Two: Grow
Chapter 5: Purpose
who you are is not what you say but how you behave like
‘dharma’ = your calling, combination of ‘varna’ = passion and skills and ‘seva’ = understandings worlds needs and selflessly serving others
when natural talents and passion (verna) connect with what the universe needs (seva) and becomes your purpose = you are living your dharma
passion + expertise + usefulness = dharma
you can’t be anything you want, but you can be everything you are
life is short, don’t waste it living someone else life
play hardest in your area of strength and you’ll achieve depth, meaning, and satisfaction in your life
look for opportunities to do what you love in the life you already have!
best way to add meaning to an experience is to look for how it might serve you in the future
link the passion with experience and growth
personality types = Varnas: 4 different types, the guide, the leader, the creator, the maker
the creators: make things happen
the maker: like to see things tangibly being built
the leader: influence and provide
the guide: learn and share knowledge
did you enjoy the process? Did other people enjoy the result? What did I like about that? Am I good at it?
protective instincts holds us back or steer us towards practical decisions
when in your element you can feel it:
1. Alive: connected with a smile
2. Flow: sense of alignment, lose track of time
3. Comfort: it feels right
4. Consistency: repeating, when and how you feel alive
5. Positivity & growth: aware of our strengths, we’re more confident, less competitivedharma is the service of others, your passion is for you, your purpose is for others
Chapter 6: Routine
“everyday, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it” — Dalai Lama
the fact that it was hard was an important part of the journey
when you create space you’ll realize it fills with what you lack most of all: time for yourself
thankfulness, insight, mediation, exercise
visualization doesn’t change your life but it changes how you see it
truly noticing what’s around us keeps our brains from shifting to autopilot
a lot of times creativity comes from structure. When you have those parameters and structure then within that you can be creative. Rules and routines ease our cognitive burden so we have bandwidth for creativity
chew your drink and drink your food — doing familiar things with awareness (grind solids into liquids and chew your liquids taking time to sip)
only opportunity to succeed is in the moment
yesterday is but a dream, tomorrow is only a vision. But today we’ll lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope
being present is the only way to live a truly rich and fill life
location has energy, know where you strive, time has memory — if you do something at the same time everyday it becomes easier, if you do something in the same space everyday it becomes easier and natural
change happens with small steps and big priorities — if something is important it deserves to be experienced deeply, immersive experience
Chapter 7: The Mind
our minds are only in present time for abut 3 seconds at a time, other than that our minds are forward and backwards
we have daily dilemmas we either feed the anger, envy, greed, lies, insecurity, ego OR peace, love, compassion, kindness, humility, positivity
how do we feed? What we hear, who we spend time with, what we do, where we focus our energy — we are not our minds
touch, taste, smell, hearing, sight — need to master senses and be in control
calm the senses to calm the mind
the monkey mind is reactive, the monk mind is proactive
removing the sensory input that can trigger emotions, then can stop giving into them
how many of us do the same thing year after year hoping our lives will transform? Example: a violinist played amazing music in subway only got 30$ in donations, 3 days before played at a theatre where people payed 100$ for back seats... subconscious mind takes us through the hustle — autopilot
3 routes to happiness: all centred on knowledge: learning, progressing, achieving
the past is unchangeable, the future is unknowable — detachment is not that you own nothing, but that nothing should own you
it’s not that you stop caring, it’s about looking for joy — often what holds us back from achieving the impossible is the belief that it is impossible !
Ex. Nobody thought about breaking the mile run under 4mins, Roger Bannister broke it first time ever then ever since other runners keep breaking it
instead of reactively doing what we want, we proactively evaluate the situation and do what is right
have inner peace as a skill, we train our brains, mind that translate outside world into happiness or misery
Chapter 8: Ego
if you are satisfied with who you are, you don’t need to prove your worth to anyone else
you are who you are when no one is watching
the arrogant ego desires respect, whereas the humble worker inspires respect
either a scout or solider mindset, solider mindset value continuity and defensiveness. Scouts mindsets are rooted of curiosity and intrigue.
if we aren’t open minded we deny ourselves opportunities to learn, grow and change
the Netflix and blockbuster story of how Netflix tried to offer blockbuster a 49% stake in company. How many people already heard this story, presume knowledge. Put up barrier and miss opportunities!
even if you think you think you already know the story, try to live it as a new experience every time
if you don’t break your ego, life will break it for you
humility allows us to understand our weakness and want to improve — some tasks build competence, and some build character
remember the bad we’ve done to others and the good others have done for us — focusing on the bad we force our egos to remember our imperfections and regrets — focusing on the good we feel humble by our need for others
forget the good we’ve done to others and the bad others have done to us — impressed by our own good deeds our ego grows — must let go of things that others do bad
what belongs to you today belonged to someone else yesterday and will be someone else’s tomorrow
we are not defined by our accomplishments
listen to understand and acknowledge, be curious
what did I fail at today? We don’t take chances because we fear failure, fear of our egos getting hurt
spend time with healed, wise, service-driven people, and you will feel humbled
easy check to confirm that someone is offering criticism in good faith is to see if the person is willing to invest in your growth
remind yourself who you are and why you are doing the work that brings you success — you are not your success and failures
the measures of success isn’t numbers, it’s depth — how can I reach a lot of people but without losing an intimate connection? Until the whole world it healed and happy, I haven’t finished
aiming higher and higher beyond ourselves to our community, our country, our planet and realizing the ultimate goal is unattainable is what keeps us humble
Meditation: Visualize
heal the past and prepare for the future
if you envision your hopes, dreams and fears of the future, you can process feelings before they happen, strengthen yourself to take new challenges
in order to create something we have to imagine it
meditation doesn’t eliminate distractions it manages them
if you are creating a memory, keep your eyes open, if you are reconnecting, then close them
5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell , 1 thing you can taste = breathe joy and happiness and capture moment forever
Part Three: Give
Chapter 9: Gratitude
“appreciate everything, even the ordinary. Especially the ordinary” — Pema Chodron
appreciation that comes when you recognize that something is valuable to you, which has nothing to do with its monetary worth
when you’re present in gratitude, you can’t be anywhere else. We can’t truly focus on positive and negative feelings at the same time
must feel grateful for the simplest things as a lot of others out in this world don’t have that
be grateful for setbacks, allow the journey of life to progress at its own pace, universe may have other plans in store for you
when one door of happiness closes another door opens
stop and think ‘what’s the opportunity in this moment?’
expand your senses, expand your world and the pain will diminish
must forgive then grateful for what happened
Chapter 10: Relationships
whenever you give out energy, love, hate, anger, kindness — you will get it back one way or another, love is like a circle. Whatever love you give out it always comes back to you. The problem is with our expectations
when we feel unloved, we need to ask ourselves: am I offering help as often as I ask for help
4 types of trust:
1. Competence: person that has the right skills to solve your issue, expert or authority in area
2. Care: person who cares about well being, not your success, go beyond duty for you
3. Character: people that help us see clearly when we aren’t sure what we want or believe
4. Consistency: people that are reliable, present, and available when you need themonly you can be your everything
forgiveness and gratitude come more easily when we accept that we have friends and family and we have friends that become family
there is relationships of seasons, reasons, and lifetime people — these are the categories based on how long that relationship should endure
the circle of love, love is a gift, what role are you playing in others lives
trust is about intensions not abilities
neutral trust: we tend conflate trust with like ability, also trust people we find attractive. Cannot trust blindly
contractural trust: focused on getting the result that you want short term. If u pay for dinner and you you promise to pay back I have faith in you
mutual trust: mode of goodness, act in a place of goodness, positivity, and peace
pure trust: no matter what happens that other person has your back and vice versa
loneliness to express pain of being alone, solitude to express glory of being alone
5 primary motivations for connection:
1. Physical: drawn to their appearance
2. Material: like their accomplishments
3. Intellectual: like how they think
4. Emotional: connect well, understand feeling, sense of well-being
5. Spiritual: share deepest goals and valuesquality not quantity, best thing you can give someone is energy
6 loving exchanges:
1. Giving with intention
2. Receiving with gratitude
3. Listening without judgement
4. Speaking with vulnerability
5. Preparing without agenda
6. Receiving with presence
we get crushes on others not because we truly love and understand them, but to distract ourselves from our suffering
if you don’t know what you want, you’ll send out wrong signals and attract the wrong people
nobody completes you, you’re not half
happiness comes when we are learning, progressing and achieving
many of us are so addicted to re-creating the same experiences that we don’t make space for new ones
difference between being grateful for what what you have and settling for less than you deserve
we often mistake attachment for love
if you’ve lost yourself in the relationship, find yourself in the heartbreak
we are all connected to each other biologically, to the earth chemically, and rest of the universe atomically
Chapter 11: Service
“plant trees under whose shade you do no plan to sit”
cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet
let go of external and ego, we recognize our value and learn that we don’t need own anything in order to serve, continually seek higher level of service
highest purpose is to live in service — selflessness heals the self
have you served today?
do not wait for things to happen in your life, you will never have enough
3 modes to describe our relationship with money and material wealth:
1. Selfish: I want more as much as I can get and all for myself
2. Sufficiency: I have just enough to get by, I’m not suffering but I have nothing to give
3. Service: I want to give what I have and want more to give more
who is wealthier, the one with money or the one that serves?
you don’t have to have to give — you don’t own anything, we borrow from earth
whatever you are giving was given to you. When you pass it on, you can’t take credit for it
compassion as active empathy, willingness to feel, see and ease pain of others but also take some
service helps other people and helps us, we don’t expect anything in return, but what we get is the joy of service, exchange of love
when you live in service you don’t have time to complain and criticize, your fears go away, you feel grateful and material attachment diminishes = service is direct path to meaningful life
Meditation: Chant
seeing through sounds, chanting was never from the mouth but from the heart
sound transports us, words themselves have power and can change how we see the world and how we grow
monks harness the power of sound by repeating affirmations or mantras during mediation — affirmations change the way you speak to yourself, mantras change the way you speak to the universe
mantra = to transcend the mind
Conclusion
the externals will never be perfect, the goal isn’t perfection
you have to go your way and take life with you — world isn’t with you or against you, you create your own reality in every moment
breath work, visualization, chanting — meditation practice (it takes time)
you’ll miss it when you don’t do it
increase awareness of what’s going on in your mind — long term self mastery
how we make others feels, how will we be remembered, what will we leave behind,
death can be the greatest reflection point — most common regrets dying people express:
“I wish I’d expressed my love to the people I care about”
“I wish I hadn’t worked so much”
“I wish I’d taken more pleasure in life”
“I wish I’d done more for other people”
always learning, prepare for death — life’s too short to live without purpose, to lose our chance to serve, to let our dreams and aspirations die with us
to leave people and places better and happier than you found them
what do I wish I’d done? What experiences do I wish I’d had? What do I regret not giving more attention to? What skills do I wish I’d work on? What do I wish I’d detach from?
imagine how you’d like to be remembered at your own funeral, what impact you’ve had
to find our way through the universe, we must start by genuinely asking questions — see yourself and the world around you with new eyes
what would a monk do in this moment?