How To Win Friends & Influence People
Dale Carnegie
Part 1: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
*If You Want To Gather Honey, Don’t Kick Over The Beehive
not many people criticize themselves
when we criticize it makes us feel better but that’s it, hurts the other side
when dealing with people, we are not dealing with creatures of logic but rather emotion
let’s try to understand people and figure out why they do what they do
Principle 1: don’t criticize, condemn or complain
*The Big Secret Of Dealing With People
one way to make anybody do anything, making the other person want to do it
deepest urge is to be important — craving to be appreciated
what is your feeling of importance, how you getting it? Ex. A robber wants to be that public enemy #1 vs a person that donates millions to hospital to help others get better
what’s the cause of insanity?— Difficult to answer, can be a physical disruption to brain, can also be from the need to feel important
the ability to arouse enthusiasm among people through appreciation and encouragement
words of appreciation vs flattery — one is sincere and other is insincere — flattery is telling the other person precisely what they think about themselves
Principle 2 : give honest and sincere appreciation
*He Who Can Do This Has The Whole World With Him. He Who Cannot Walks a Lonely Way
why are we interested in want we want...of course that’s the case but it’s about what others want and show how they can get it
that is how you start influencing people, talk about what they want and show — actions springs out of what we fundamentally desire
what does the other person want? — Ex. Child crying and screaming that he doesn’t want to go to kindergarten first day. So instead of forcing or lecturing the child, parents decide to do all the fun things in kindergarten at home, child looks interested and next morning ready to go
How can I make this person want to do it
if there is one secret of success it lies in the ability to get the other persons point of view and see things from that person and or from your own
not about the money or else they’ll just buy, about the customer having the feeling of buying rather being sold something
people who can put themselves in the place of other people, who can understand the workings of their minds need to never worry about what the future has in store for them
look in their point of view and arousing an eager want for something — we must show others what they want
Ex little boy keeps wetting the bed, instead to yelling and screaming at boy not to do. They gave him the value of buying his own bed and put his pride on the line, now he promises not to wet the bed
self expression is dominant necessity of human nature
Principle 3: arouse in the other person an eager want
Part 2: 6 Ways to Make People Like You
*Do This and You’ll Be Welcome Anywhere
be interested in others and you will make more influence than in 2 years trying to get other people interested in you
Ex. when you look at a group photo, do you look at yourself first? — must be interested in people, it is the most important quality
must put ourselves out to do things for other people - things that require time, energy, unselfishness, and thoughtfulness
greet people with animation and enthusiasm and show genuine interest when seeing that person
we are interested in others when they are interested in us
if you want to help others at the same time as you help yourself, be interested in others
Principle #1: become genuinely interested in other people
*A Simple Way to Make a Good First Impression
the expression one wears on ones face is far more important than the clothes ones wear
actions speak louder than words and a smile says I like you and you make me happy
people who smile more tend to mange, teach and sell more efficiently
you must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you
actions tends to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together
it’s about your mindset! You can make out how happy you are — your smile is what brightens up
Principle #2: smile
*If You Don’t Do This, You Are Headed For Trouble
the average person is more interested in his or her own name than all other names on earth put together
know how to handle people, Ex. there was a person that was known as the steel king but had no idea about steel, they just knew people that had knowledge in steel
when peoples name are used they feel that special feeling — why do you think that most universities name their buildings after large donors
simplest way to gain good will is remembering names and making them feel important — the magic contained within the name
Principle 3: remember that a persons name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language
*An Easy Way to Become a Good Conversationalist
people like to talk about what they are interested in... if you are a good listener then that respect shows to the other person
genuinely be interested and naturally it will please the other person to show that interest
Ex. lady that bought a coat on final sale but had a damage, the sales clerk didn’t listen and said final is final. Manger came and listen and helped out, if it wasn’t for manger that customer would’ve never came back — people want to feel importance
better to be a good listener than a good talker
when we are in trouble we want a friendly sympathetic listener — people who talk for themselves only think about themselves
to be interesting, be interested, ask questions so that they enjoy expressing themselves and sharing their story
a persons toothache means more to that person than a famine in China that kills millions of people, a sore neck means more to that person than 40 earthquakes in Africa, think about that the next conversation
Principle 4: be a good listener, encourage others to talk about themselves
*How to Interest People
what subject would the guest be interested in — talk in terms of the other persons interest, becomes enlargement in life and more of a connection
Principle 5: talk in terms of the other person’s interest
*How to Make People Like You Instantly
why can’t we radiate some happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation without trying to get something out of it
you get something out of it, it’s the priceless feeling you get that you have done something with no return
always make the other person feel important
the desire to be important is the deepest urge in human nature, to feel appreciated
everyone I meet is my superior in some way, in that I learn
Ex. Architect walks into room with famous man that is busy, secretary says you got 5 mins tops to speak to the man and that’s it. The architect made a couple of comments about the office wood and design. They start talking deeper and about the famous man’s life and background, 5 mins became 2 hrs and then lunch, then lifetime
Principle 6: make the other person feel important and do it sincerely
Part 3: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
*You can’t win an argument
best way to handle an argument is to say your opinion and avoid it, learn — cause if you win than you feel fine but the other person is inferior, if you argue, you may achieve the victory but an empty victory
hatred is never ended by hatred but by love
disagreement can be an opportunity to be corrected before you make serious mistake
try to build bridges of understanding not higher barriers of misunderstandings
people who disagree is interested in the same thing and want to help
when one yells, the other should listen cause if both yell, it’s just noise
Principle 1: the only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
*A Sure Way of Making Enemies and How to Avoid It
when you tell people they are wrong, you hurt feelings — prove so-and-so to you = I’m smarter than you and going to make you change your mind
you cannot teach a man/woman anything; you can only help him/her find it within himself/herself
start with phrases such as I may be wrong, let’s examine the facts
others may start feeling the same and being open as well — understand precisely what meaning if the statement is to the other person
I judge people by their own principles not by my own — don’t tell people they are wrong
Principle 2: show respect for the other persons opinion. Never say you’re wrong
*If You’re Wrong, Admit It
Ex. Person and dog off leash at a park, when you can’t have dogs off leash. Police came and wanted to feel important so made a statement and authority and let them off with a warning, man and dog came back next week and did the same thing. Same officer caught them again but this time the man confessed and admitted the wrongs and asked for the ticket, with sympathy the police let them go
when you admit the mistakes you gain respect — be honest with yourself and when other critiques you, don’t go into defence mode
by fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected
Principle 3: if you are wrong, admit quickly and emphatically
*A Drop of Honey
they can’t be forced or driven to agree with you or me, but they may possibly be led to if we are gentle and friendly
friendly, sympathetic, appreciative approach
yelling and screaming is not the answer and will most likely end up with problems
Ex. car dealership, started off by complimenting the dealership as he got high recommendations from friends and were told that prices competitive and services was outstanding, then explained the problem at the service department, the boss personally got involved and repaired the car and lent his car
a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall
Principle 4: begin in a friendly way
*The Secret of Socrates
don’t begin a conversation with differences, start with things you agree on
when we humans make a decision we usually stick to it and if it’s a no then it is hard to overcome
yes, yes from the start — look at the persons point of view and getting them to say yes, yes
ask questions that the person must agree — don’t tell people that they are wrong instead get a yes yes response
Principle 5: get the other person saying yes yes immediately
*The Safety Valve in Handling Complaints
let others talk themselves out, ask more questions than you answering and assuming
instead of telling people what to do why not listen to their ideas
every successful person likes to reminisce about their early struggles, ask about the them — let others talk about us rather than us talk about our achievements
if you want enemies, excel your friends but if you want friends, let your friends excel you — when they excel you they feel important
Principle 6: let the other person do a great deal of the talking
*How to Get Cooperation
you have more faith in your own ideas than others that are given to you — what people expect of me and what I expect of them
what people expect out of it and what they desire and want
no one likes to feel that they are being sold in something or told what to do, prefer to feel that we are buying of our own accord or acting on our own ideas
make other person feel that he/she was creating the design, don’t have to sell they will buy
make others feel important and they will feel at home — don’t sell the service but let them sell themselves
Principle 7: let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers
*A Formula That Will Work Wonders For You
when people are totally wrong and they don’t think so, don’t condemn them — try to put yourself in their place
look at things at their point of view to show that you consider their point of views
accepting it will encourage the listener to have an open mind to your ideas
why should he or she what to do it?
Principle 8: try honesty to see things from the other persons point of view
*What Everybody Wants
magic phrase: ‘I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do’
people are hungry for sympathy — when we see things in other points of view we are able to understand better
Ex. Piano teacher and student with long nails, instead of threatening her to cut the nails she praised the beauty and said that her performance will be better if they were trimmed let the student decide
Principle 9: be sympathetic with the other persons ideas and desires
*An Appeal That Everybody Likes
2 reasons for doing a thing, one that sounds good, and a real one
people are honest and want to discharge their obligations — make them feel that you consider them honest, upright and fair
Principle 10: appeal to the nobler motives
*The Movies Do It, TV Does Tt, Why Don’t You Do It?
the truth had to be made vivd, interesting, dramatic — need showmanship, need dramatization and over the top to show
Ex. Meeting with the boss, he needs to know things about the competition companies. The other person just told him about it and had an argument, left and that was it. But second time around he put all the jars of cream on the desk as those were the competitors and they talked for hours.
Principle 11: dramatize your ideas
*When Nothing Else Works, Try This
the way to get things done is to stimulate competition, desire to excel
the work itself should be exciting and interesting, look forward to doing it — love the game and process
Principle 12: throw down a challenge
Part 4: Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offence or Arousing Resentment
*If You Must Find Fault, This Is the Way to Begin
it’s always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points
Principle 1: begin with praise and honest appreciation
*How to Criticize and Not Be Hated For It
many give praise then use the ‘but’
creditability maybe strained as they would take the second statement only — change the ‘but’ to ‘and’
Principle 2: call attention to people’s mistake indirectly
*Talk About Your Own Mistakes First
when you tell someone your mistake, it doesn’t seem to be bad,
will work well in human relations, admitting ones own mistakes can change someone’s own behaviour when they have not admitted in
Principle 3: talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person
*No One Likes to Take Orders
give suggestions not orders, give others the chance to do them, give opportunities for others to learn
saves the person their pride and gives them feeling of importance
questions instead of an order, when others are part of the decision or discussion they are more likely to be creative and do orders
Principle 4: ask questions instead of giving direct orders
*Let the Other Person Save Face
don’t want people to feel let down, even if we are right and other person is definitely wrong we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face
Principle 5: let the other person save face
*How to Spur People On To Success
let us praise even the slightest improvement, that gives inspiration for more
praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit, we cannot flower and grow without it — criticism minimized and praise emphasized
create meaningful praise and be specific to them
possess power of various sorts which you habitually fail to use, that is the ability to praise people and inspire them
Principle 6: praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise
*Give a Dog a Good Name
give others a fine reputation to live up to and they will make prodigious efforts
Ex. Dental office, patient notices some tar on cup holder. Cleaning person comes in x2 a week to clean. Gave her the reputation of doing a great job and will pay extra time if spent polishing cup holder. To surprise same time spent cleaning but even better job
if you want to change the attitude of others and be a leader need to set that reputation
Principle 7: give the other person a fine reputation to live up to
*Make the Fault Seem Easy to Correct
liberal encouragement and make the thing seem easy then others will want to improve — give others confidence and inspire with faith and courage
when you make learning easy and fun it’s easier to adapt
Principle 8: use encouragement, make the fault seem easy to correct
*Making People Glad to Do What You Want
always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest — put it in a way that will benefit them
Principle 9: make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest
*A Shortcut to Distinction
prime interest in adults is health — second is developing skill in human relationships
lose the fear of individuals and of superiors — the way to develop self confidence is to do the things you fear to do
help others conquer their fears and develop courage