The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F*ck
mark manson
Chapter 1: Don’t Try
feedback loop from hell: thinking about thoughts, negative thoughts packed on with more negative thoughts — not giving a f*ck will short circuit loop
desire for more positive experiences is itself a negative experience. Acceptance of one negative experience is a positive experience
backward law: idea that the more you pursue to feeling better = less satisfied, pursuing something only reinforces you lack it in the first place
any attempt to avoid failure is failing
to not give a f*ck is to stare down life most terrifying and difficult challenges and still take action
must prioritize what matters the most to you and on personal values
1. being comfortable with being different — must care about things but what is the question
⁃ willingness to be different for own values
⁃ f*ck it to everything unimportant2. to not give a f*ck about adversity, must first give a fuck about something more important than adversity
⁃ when a person has no problems, the mind automatically finds what to invent some3. always choosing what to give a f*ck about
⁃ reserve our care to what is important as we grow older — maturity
- practical enlightenment: being comfortable with idea that suffering is always inevitable
Chapter 2: Happiness Is a Problem
we are wired to become disabused with whatever we have and satisfied by only what we do not have
problems don’t go away they improve, problems don’t stop they get exchanged or upgraded — happy when you solve problems, happiness is a form of action
negative emotions are a call of action and positive emotions are rewards for taking proper action
what creates our positive experiences will define our negative experiences
what are you willing to struggle for, what pain do you want to sustain — happiness requires struggle
fall in love with the process not the reward, our struggles determines our success
Chapter 3: You Are Not Special
adversity and failure are actually useful and necessary for developing strong minded
accurate measure of someone’s self worth is how people feel about negative aspects of themselves
being obsessed with improvement, because you accept that you’re not that great
actions don’t matter in the grand schemes, that constant pressure is taken off to be amazing
appreciate life basic experiences, ordinary may be what actually matters
Chapter 4: The Value of Suffering
chose how they wished to suffer, meant something and fulfilled greater cause
self-awareness onion: simple understanding of ones emotions, why we feel emotions, personal values = nature of problems = nature of problems determines quality of life
the why, why do you want that? Why is that bugging you?
must have value and a metric to measure that success
how you see problems is from what you value and how you measure failure and success
problems that are difficult to solve:
1. pleasure: superficial form of life satisfaction and is a by product of happiness
2. material success: once able to provide basic needs, correlations between happiness and worldly success is about zero
3. always being right: prevent from learning from mistakes, lack ability to take new perspective and empathize with others
4. staying positive: can’t deny negative emotions sometimes got to face problemsprioritizing better values is self improvement
Chapter 5: You Are Always Choosing
when we feel that we’re choosing our problems we feel empowered
don’t always control what happens to us. But we always control how we interpret what happens to us and how we respond
accept responsibility for our problems is the first step in solving them
faults vs responsibility: faults are past tense results from choices already made, responsibility results from choices you’re currently making
you ultimately get to choose how you see see things and how you react to things
taking responsibility for our problems are important cause that’s where real learning is
we make the choices to react to tragic events, we are still responsible for our emotions
risks we take and consequences we choose to live with, comes down to our choices. We may get a bad set of cards but can win the poker game against someone with a good hand because of the choices
we decide what our values are and when we change them it will feel weird at first as all what we been building is gone
Chapter 6: You’re Wrong About Everything (But So Am I)
will become less wrong each time, change and evolve — don’t want to assume how the story is going to end and not even bother trying
certainty is the enemy of growth, maybe search for doubt — create for ourselves
our brains are meaning machines, want to create associations to help understand abs control situation
our brain is always trying to make sense of current situation, biased to what we feel
more you try to be certain about something the more uncertain and insecure you will feel
more you embrace being uncertain and not knowing the more comfortable you will feel in knowing what you don’t know
uncertainty removes our judgements of others, be open and share, that’s how we grow — openness to be wrong
“knowing yourself” or “finding yourself” can restrict you to one role, of you don’t know who you are to a point there’s always going to some discovery
being able to look at and evaluate different values without necessarily adopting them is perhaps the central skill in changing ones own mind in an meaningful way
Chapter 7: Failure Is the Way Forward
freedom and autonomy is the metric to success and failure
why we avoid failure, to become successful at one thing we must fail and learn
every new relationship, brings new challenges and opportunities for honest expression — growth generates happiness
our proudest moments come in the face of greatest adversity, our pain makes us stronger
most radical changes in perspective often happen at the tail end of our worst moments
learn to sustain the pain you’ve chosen, when you choose a new value you are choosing to intro a new form of pain
action isn’t just the effect of motivation, it’s also the cause of it
action—>inspiration—>motivation
do something principle: if you lack motivation do something and harness the reaction to motivate yourself
you become your own source of inspiration and motivation - can always take action
Chapter 8: The Importance of Saying No
absolute freedom by itself means nothing
freedom grants opportunity for greater meaning but by itself it’s nothing, way to achieve meaning and importance is through narrowing of freedom
to build trust must be honest
knowing a lot of people superficially was more beneficial then knowing a few people closely? This is why there is the norm to say polite things even when we don’t feel like it
need to reject somethings or else we stand for nothing, become meaningless
defined by what we choose to reject, if we reject nothing then may have no identity
must be able to hear no, conflict is normal and absolutely necessary for a healthy relationship
trust is everything in a relationship, behaviour follows — if trust is broken 2 ways to rebuilt:
1. Admit true values that caused breach and own up
2. Build solid track record of improved behaviour over time
commitment offers wealth of opportunities and experiences
Chapter 9: ... And Then You Die
there is no reason to ever give in to one’s fear or embarrassment or shame, why avoid?
death is the light by which the shadow of all of life’s meaning is measured
denial of death:
1. humans are unique in that we’re the only animals that can conceptualize and think about ourselves abstractly
imagine ourselves in hypothetical situations to contemplate both past and future where things might be different
2. we have 2 selves, physical and conceptual self (identity and how we see ourselves). We try to construct a conceptual self that will live forever, want to be remembered even after physical death = immortality projects
all the meaning in our life is shaped by this innate desire to never truest die — they are our values
keep death in mind at all times, in order to appreciate life more and remain humble in face of adversities
confronting the reality of our own mortality is important = takes away superficial values
what is your legacy?
understand and see yourself as something bigger than yourself, bigger than serving yourself — caring for something greater than yourself
entitlement isolates us, feel deserving of something without earning that something
great attention and great success is not the same thing
thought of your own death — you peer into darkness to have brighter life — don’t fear